


while(!forgiven) {

by tatersalad5001



Series: return false; [8]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Agender Chara, Canonical Character Death, Flashbacks, Gen, Genocide Frisk, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mild Language, Non-Binary Frisk, POV Second Person, Pacifist Chara, Post-Undertale Soulless Pacifist Route, Reader Is Chara, Spoilers - Undertale Genocide Route, Spoilers - Undertale Neutral Route, Spoilers - Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-01 14:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatersalad5001/pseuds/tatersalad5001
Summary: Determination. LOVE. EXP. These can be dangerous drugs. The more you distance yourself, the easier it is to hurt others. You know this as well as anyone. They say time heals all wounds, but forgiveness doesn't come easy. You, the flower, the kid, all three of you have done some pretty unforgivable things. Though, all three of you have felt LOVE's pull before. Forgiveness might not be as hard as they say.





	while(!forgiven) {

**Author's Note:**

> Conversations we'll never be able to have, because you'll never be able to realize how you hurt me.  
> I've made my peace with it. I can't forgive what happened, and I'm still recovering, but I still love you.
> 
> I never really realized how popular return false became until recently, and it's becoming even more apparent to me lately how a lot of people don't have Charas and Frisks like this. I suddenly found myself wanting to write more of this again, and inspired to do so. This won't be the last of it, I promise future installments will be less venty, but these are also conversations that, in this universe, I feel need to be had at some point.  
> I'm going to keep previously established parts of this series in the order they've been in, but starting with this part, I'm going to try to order them in chronological order. I think the next thing I write for this series will be part 5? This part of the series takes place quit a bit after anything else currently established. Frisk, at the very least, has received development here that hasn't actually occurred in this series at this point. I know that's confusing. I'm sorry.

It's a bright, sunny day. Of course, it's also winter, so that doesn't mean much.

You don't hate winter. In fact, you enjoy walking outside, breathing the cold air in your longs, a white blanket of snow covering the ground, flakes of it drifting in the air. Something about the presence of snow made the cold a lot more tolerable than it would be otherwise.

Winter, however, isn't great for plants. Less daylight hours, colder and drier air, less rain, it's just an overall worse time. Harder for plants to survive, let along thrive.

This wouldn't be a huge concern for you usually, but your brother, unfortunately,  _is_ a plant.

Now that the first snow had fallen, you're spending the day in your room. You want Flowey to be happy and comfortable, and you're doing everything you can to achieve that. Pulling back the curtains on your windows to let more light in. Testing the soil in his pot to make sure it's not too dry (or too moist). Setting up a lamp to brighten the room a little bit. Comparing a few types of mulch to see if any will help him keep going. Stocking up on water so he doesn't dry out. Anything you can do for you bro.

Flowey laughs, smiles a little as he watches all of this. "You don't have to do all of this for me, you know," he tells you. "I'm not going to wilt overnight."

"I know." Of course you know. You're not an idiot. "But i want to. I want to help you. I want you to be happy.

"You...know I can't really feel happy, right?" he reminds you. "I can't really feel anything. Not a lot, anyway."

You shrug. "I don't feel much a lot of the time either," you tell him. That not a lack of a soul, of course; the soul you stole is still right there inside you. "But if I can help you feel as close to beind happy as you can..."

"Yeah," he comments nonchalantly. The two of you always did things for each other, trying to put a smile on each other's faces. Now that you were both reunited in (...joint undeath?), it was still practically habit.

Even after how much you've both changed since those days.

You work in silence for awhile, particularly focused on this lamp. The lamp's all put together, you're just having trouble with the light bulb right now. You'd done some research on how colored lights affect plants, you're hoping a nice blue light will be good for Flowey. But you'd never put a light bulb in a lamp before, and this one, after you got it in, didn't want to turn on. Did you twist it in too hard? Maybe you should try again, start over. Yeah. You start unscrewing the bulb.

"Um," Flowey squeaks out as you start to twist the light bulb in again.

"Mm?" you hum, waiting for him to go on. You don't turn away from your work.

He's silent for a moment, probably mulling his words over before he speaks. "Are you mad at me?"

"What?" You tear your gaze sharply away from the lamp and stare at him. Your first thought is that this is some kind of weird joke or something. But, no. His petals are shriveled inward. His stem's tilting down, he's barely looking at you.

"You heard me," he mumbles, because you both know that you did, in fact, hear him.

"Why would I be mad at you?" But, as soon as the words leave your lips, a memory plays in your mind, and you know why.

> _"I can't do it," Asriel whispered beside you._
> 
> _You shrugged. "You don't have to do anything," you assure him. "I promise, Az. I can do everything, you don't even have to watch." You held out a hand to him. "Just let me do it. I'll take control. I'll take their souls. It'll be quick, bro, just--"_
> 
> _"No," Asriel interrupted you, his voice a little louder. He flinched away from your outstretched arm. "No, I can't...I can't let them die. I can't let this happen."_
> 
> _"You won't..." you stared at him. What did he mean, he can't let it happen? You'd been planning this together for so long, he'd been on board the entire time, what was he doing?? Why was he backing out now??? "They're humans! They deserve it! You shouldn't have to suffer for their sake!"_
> 
> _Asriel shook his head and wrestled control away from you. Your part of your shared soul was itching to fight, but he just picked you body back up again._
> 
> _"Asriel, you can't do this!" you shouted._
> 
> _He made you turn around as the humans began to act. Began to shoot arrows and swing swords and pitchforks. Began to fight._
> 
> _"Asriel, they're going to kill us!" you screamed._
> 
> _The humans chose to fight. Your brother still chose mercy. He walked away. He kept walking. Even as the humans fought. Even as arrows lodged themselves into your shoulders. Even as swords slashed through your back. He just kept walking. You stared at him dully, barely realized you were helping him walk, too._
> 
> _You were back in Dad's garden? When did you pass through the barrier again? It was all so fuzzy. The two of you kept walking until you couldn't anymore. You fell down, your own body tumbling forward, laying on the ground ahead of you._
> 
> _You stared at it. "You idiot..."_

You shiver a little, just barely noticeable. Yeah, that's why. When your last words were like that, no wonder that's what he thought. You tried to ignore another memory. One where you felt nothing but power, and anger, and revenge, and nothing at all. Your borrowed hand barely felt the real knife in its hand, you barely felt like you were there as you lashed out, slashing over and over as petals crumbled into nothingness below you and...Flowey didn't remember that. Couldn't remember that. It basically never happened, so don't think about it.

You shake your head. "No. I'm not mad at all. You were right."

"I was right?!" Flowey repeats, his voice rising.

"About not killing for the human souls." You sigh, sitting down on your bed. "I was an idiot. I never considered your feelings. You probably never wanted to do it, and I shouldn't have pushed you into it." Your left hand balls up against your sheets. "But even if you did, we shouldn't have done it. It would've just lead to war. None of you wanted to fight again, and more people would've died. It was a horrible idea. I was an idiot."

"...Right." He stares at the floor. "That was messed up, too. I shouldn't have... I backed out on you after there was no going back, and got us both into this mess. If you were mad about that, you'd have every right to be. But I was also thinking about...after. How I treated you, what I said."

Oh, yeah. Right. You remember that, too.

> _But what will you do if you meet a relentless killer? You'll die and you'll die and you'll die. Until you tire of trying. What will you do then? Will you kill out of frustration?_
> 
> _Don't worry. Your old friend Flowey has worked out a replacement for you! I'll save over your own death. So you can watch me tear you to bloody pieces... Over, and over, and over..._
> 
> _Every time you die, your grip on this world slips away. Every time you die, your friends forget you a little more. Your life will end here, in a world where no one remembers you..._

Suddenly Flowey's leaning over his pot and into your face, as close as he can get. One of his petals tickles your cheek. He makes direct eye contact, his face morphing into something more grotesque."Does it make you mad? Living with your own murderer?"

Your hand relaxes at your side, only to curl back up again. You refuse to look away, meet his eyes unflinching. Your mouth twitches. "It's okay."

Flowey's face snaps to normal, jerking his face away from you. He doesn't say anything.

"A lot happened," you answer him. "You were in a bad place. You couldn't feel sorry, or guilty, or anything. You were just...hurting, and you lashed out. You spent all that time resetting. LOVE and determination can really mess you up." His eyebrows raise up, and you have to elaborate, "You're not the only one who's ever reset. I get it. It's okay, bro."

"So...what?" His face twists again, just before it spins to look away from you. "I kill you, over and over, and you just...forgive me?"

"There's not even anything to forgive," you shoot back. "Like you said, it was messed up. We made mistakes. We've changed, now. Its okay."

Once again, his face returns to its normal state as he turns to look at you again. He looks...sad, but he's smiling. "...Thank you," he finally replies.

* * *

It's a few days later. School just let out, you just got home. You put away all your winter gear carefully, everything exactly in its place, and pull your backpack back up over one shoulder. Gently, you push the door open to your room, step in, and close it just as gently.

Your room hasn't changed much in the past few days. Flowey's still here, of course. He'd been asleep when you left, but now he was reading a book. He puts it down, though, as soon as you walk in. "Howdy! How was school?"

"It was school," you mumble in response. "Same as usual." He blinks, because he knows that's not how you usually respond. Sometimes you'll throw a pun at him, sometimes you'll talk about something specific that happened, but nothing usually this...empty.

"Are you sure about that?" he presses.

You nod and plop your backpack down next to your bed. After sitting down on your bed with every intention to do, well, anything really, you quickly end up laying down instead, staring at the ceiling. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Flowey is still watching you.

"Are you...going to do homework?" he asks, because that's usually what you do when you come. You start working, get it done, and then have the evening to goof around. In theory. The more time you spend at school, the more time you have to spend on homework and the less time you get to have to yourself. It sucks.

"Later." You wave a hand through the air above you. It falls back down to the bed almost immediately. "I'm tired."

You don't remember if he asks you anything after that, or what you're thinking about, because almost immediately you drift into nothingness. It's not sleep. You can still feel your sheets under you, the wall you must've pressed yourself up against at some point. But you don't think, you don't see, you don't hear...you don't do anything.

Some time later, your eyes shoot open. Your mind is more awake, the rest of you less so. The clock on your wall indicates you spent around fifteen minutes in the void. That's fine, not a lot of time lost. Still plenty of time to open your backpack, start off with the math worksheet...

Sitting up, you intend to do just that, but you stop when you look at Flowey again. He's back to reading again, but he's frowning, blinks a few times. You just stare at him, feeling stuck.

A few seconds later he glances up at you, and puts down the book the moment he sees you're up again. "Are you okay?"

Not giving a response, you continue to stare at him. Maybe it's the void messing with you. A memory surfaces in your mind.

> _Asriel blinked his eyes open beside you, groaning. He looked up and saw you. You helped him stand up and grinned._
> 
> _"This is it!" You told him. "We're going to free everyone!"_
> 
> _He didn't respond, didn't move. You looked down and saw your own body, dead below you. Remembering you wanted to see those flowers one last time, you picked it up._
> 
> _"What's..." Asriel finally asked._
> 
> _"This is us. This is_ our  _soul. We both have control," you told him. Neither of you had been sure exactly what to expect when he absorbed your soul, but this was a good outcome. You no longer had to be what you'd despised for so long._
> 
> _Asriel looked ahead. You were walking towards the door to your room.  He looked back at you. "I..."_
> 
> _"Huh?" you stopped, looked at him._
> 
> _"I don't know about this. I don't know if I like this plan," Asriel admitted. At that, you rolled your eyes. This wasn't the first time he'd said something like this, probably wouldn't be the last. He couldn't see the bigger picture here as well as you. Everything would be better when it was over, you just had to be strong. For both of you._
> 
> _"It's too late to go back now," you reminded him. "It'll be okay. We can do it."_
> 
> _The barrier was ahead of you. You could hear birds chirping, on the surface. Sunlight shown through, bright and warm. Your plan was about to be completed. You were filled with determination._
> 
> _The last time you saw your brother's face, he was smiling. All you could feel was the pull of the void._

"Do you hate me?" you blurt out before you can stop yourself. You couldn't ignore how much this was eating at you now, you supposed.

"Do I what?" Flowey's face is blank. He's staring back at you now.

"I was terrible," you mumble. "I never thought about how you would feel, or Mom, or Dad." ...You gave that one a second thought. "Or, I guess I did, but I was...wrong. I thought you'd all be happier, but... I was looking at it wrong, I wasn't looking at the big picture, and...now we're here. I tried to do something terrible." You close your eyes. "I pushed you into it. I messed everything up. I shouldn't have done any of it."

> _P l e a s e  d o n ' t  k i l l  m e . . ._

"I'm sorry," you end lamely.

Flowey waits until you finish. He sighs, deflates. "We were kids. I guess...we still are. But sure, you messed up," he says. "We both did. Everyone does. It's okay to make mistakes."

A giggle escapes your throat as your hands grab fistfuls of your hair. "I tore our family apart. That's one hell of a mistake."

Flowey snorts. You open your eyes to see a bitter grin on his face. "Oh, I've done worse. In other timelines, of course."

"...I guess I have, too." You look away, your eyes landing on the door. "So you just...forgive me?"

"Of course," he answers. He smiles at you, gently. "It worked out okay in the end. It won't happen again. I understand why. And...your my best friend. I'm glad we got to meet again."

"...Thank you." You're smiling, too.

* * *

The kid's been quiet for awhile. 

Why, you have no idea. The connection you have...just doesn't work like that. You can see them, and they can see you, and it's been like that ever since the first time they fell into the Underground. Revived by their determination, you used to be attached to their soul, and were forced to follow them around, changed by their actions. You gave them information they wouldn't have otherwise, but this information you told them freely. Now, their soul is yours. With their soul, you have new life in their body. You can animate it, control it. Their connection to their own soul cannot be broken. Still, human beings are persistent, and they never really died, so they're still here. Following you in the way you used to follow them. Your connection allows you to experience each other's emotions, and other things are shared between you, too. Thoughts, however, isn't one of them.

It's not like the kid disappeared, or is gone, or decided to go somewhere else. They're quite literally stuck to you. And they have been following you around still. But...you haven't felt much of anything from them for a long time. They haven't said much, or given any input on anything. You have no idea why. You're not even sure if that's good or bad.

You're painting your nails again, sitting on your bed. It's become less a chore now, more anxiety relieving. You've gotten better with practice, and this color will look nice when you're done. Light purple. You're excited to see how it turns out this time. It'll be nice to see a happier color when you're using your hands.

_You really care about them._

Jumping a little, you look up. The kid's been so quiet for so long, you hadn't thought about paying attention to where they were. Part of you twinges with guilt. They're sitting on top of a bookcase on the other side of your room, looking down at you. Once you look up, though, they jump off, electing to sit on the floor in front of it instead. There's a garbled mess of emotions they're radiating at you, none of them that you can parse out.

"I...what?" Dipping the brush back in the container, you pause in your activity. You have no idea what they're talking about, this came out of nowhere, and with these thoughts suddenly jumbling around your head it's hard to multitask. You don't want to risk it.

_Playing house is boring. They have nothing to offer me. But you're different. You care._

Did...did they mean all the monsters you met? "They're my friends. My family," you offer simply. "They help me. I try to help them. They want me to be happy. I do my best. They gave me love, and I love them, too. No one else ever gave that to me."

_But not LOVE._

"Not like that," you say. "I know now that I do not wish for power. That's not the type of strength I need. I used to be really good at hurting everyone. At hurting, myself. But I do not want that, either."

_What do you want?_

You don't have an answer.

They're quiet too, for awhile. You watch them, but their expression is as unchanging as ever. For a moment, you almost think that the conversation is over, and you almost go back to what you'd been doing before.

_It wasn't about strength, at first._ They look down at the ground under them.  _It was fear. Everything was strange. Monsters seemed dangerous. Determination drove me forward._

You frown, and continue to listen. They refuse to look at you.

_Then...then I realize I had power. I never had anything like it before. I was never feared before. I felt capable, respected, strong. It was...a rush. So I continued to pursue it. It may have gotten out of hand._

A snort breaks out of you. The kid winces, but still refuses to look at you. Instead, they study the ceiling. You still say something. This is probably going somewhere, you think.

_You had to watch it all. Remember every detail. They were my choices, not yours. It affected you, too, though, because we were both corrupted by it. In hindsight, I know you never wanted that reality. It wasn't fair._

This was unexpected. You still aren't sure exactly what's going on. The kid's emotions are even more confusing to read, now. Still, you don't interrupt. You can't, you don't want to, not now that they were breaking their silence.

Plus, it's eating at you now, too. 

> _The kid scrambled backwards again, leaping over bones and trying not to move through blue attacks as best as they could. It wasn't good enough, though, they took a big hit. The "poison" effects of Sans' karma attacks were taking a toll, too. It was the kid's turn now, though. They leaned forward, down, breathing heavily and clutching their knees. They had been at this long enough that you'were pretty sure the kid's next move would be to do nothing while karma ran out, and then they'd spend their turn to heal._
> 
> _Your eyes flicked down to the health meter. If they didn't heal, they were an idiot. They couldn't take another hit like that otherwise. You then watched as the kid struggled to stay upright and you snorted._
> 
> Doomed to death of KARMA!  _you sang as you floated around the kid. Your song dissolved into a laugh, it was just so damn_ funny.  _The kid tore apart everything left that you cared about, cut down every obstacle in their way, and only now was karma finally coming back to bite them, literally. And from that lazy sack of bones, no less! Turned out he wasn't so lazy after all, he just knew what his fate was under this mountain and knew he couldn't do a thing about it. Well, except try to frustrate the kid into quitting to prevent the end of all timelines, whatever that would be. Though, honestly, the power coursing through your veins was giving you an idea..._
> 
> _The kid elected not to heal. They must've taken your earlier advice to keep attacking too seriously, they didn't need to die over it. Sure enough, Sans avoided their attack, again, and another wave of bones went their way. They didn't jump high enough, and that was all it took. Back at the start._
> 
> _"hmm. that expression..." Sans mused as they approached without hesitation. He studied their face closely. "that's the expression of someone who's died seven times in a row."_
> 
> _The kid snarled something incoherent in response. Must've been seven times too many. You giggled, only agitating them further._
> 
> _"hey, that's good."  The rest of his body didn't move, his expression remained light. "seven's supposed to be a lucky number."_
> 
> _They hardened their grip on the real knife, which shone in the hall light. But they didn't move; the kid's wise to the script. He was going to attack first, but they would be ready._
> 
> _"who knows? maybe you'll hit the jackpot," Sans shrugged. His eyes went dark as he growled, "and that number will multiply tenfold."_
> 
> _He went into his usual monologue, but the kid snarled and went in to get their attack first. Immediately, their soul went blue and, unprepared, they're hit by waves of bones and blasts. After it ended they were lain on the ground, motionless, but alive._
> 
> _"anyway, as i was saying, it's a nice day out," Sans told them with another shrug. "why not relax and take a load off?"_
> 
> _Through the connection you had, you could feel the kid had no intention of wasting this load. In fact, you could feel a lot of emotions emanating from them, but out of  it one thing was clear to you._
> 
> _You floated above the kid, leaning over them with a smirk._ You feel like you're going to have a bad time.  _The kid cursed you out, both you and Sans._

The kid starts speaking again.  _I_ _made my choices long ago. I wouldn't change my actions, even now. Apologies mean nothing from me. But you deserved better. You still do. Timelines like that aren't for people that want to help others._

You don't know much about this kid's past, before they fell Underground. If it's anything like your own... You doubt they were brought up by anyone like Mom and Dad. Toriel and Asgore helped you a lot to come out of your shell, and they helped you learn how to communicate your feelings. Asriel had that, too. You had always, ever since, been open to each other about the emotions you've felt. Why you've felt those emotions. Frisk was certainly trying, but if you weren't connected through their soul, you wouldn't really be sure of any of that.

But you can. The main thing you feel coming them is sincerity. Not guilt. They don't want to lie to you, and you don't think they have. But you can piece out that they wish they hadn't put you through that timeline, even if they don't regret their own actions.

"I don't think timelines like that are for anyone," you reply. "But we were both corrupted by that power. I let that feeling justify what was happening. I took enough control to use it to destroy everything, to stop you, because I guess I thought I could do better. It hurt you, too. Whatever happened to you before, I think you deserved better from this world, too. I...really wish everything went better for you. Maybe we both could've done better."

_You forgive me?_

Your feet flex. "That's complicated."

_How so?_

"I...You were hurting, even before you fell. And you still are hurting now. I don't think it's your fault you became who you are." Your feet scrunch inwards. "And...we both know what LOVE feels like. We know what it does. I was barely attached to a patch of your soul. I could barely feel at all, and all I felt was just, raw. Raw from how I had hurt everyone, and how I had hurt myself. I can't say your actions are much worse than what I was trying to do when I had been alive before. Then we got that rush of LOVE. I became...detached from everything. I let LOVE justify everything. When I took your soul and my LOVE reset, I wasn't back to normal again. I was still emotionally detached, though not quite as much. I was mean, I lashed out at times, and it's been hard to really feel again."

You take a breath. The kid is watching you blankly.

"But if it's been hard for me, it has to have been hard for you, too," you reason. "I had the effect of a whole soul returning to normal, but you only get a piece, now. I know how that feels. So you...probably stayed even more detached than I did. I had the benefit of caring about everyone, of wanting to help, of wanting to try to feel happy. I don't think you had that. So...I can understand."

_You haven't answered._

"There isn't one single answer. I can't forgive your actions. I can't forgive how everyone was turned to dust, how that impacted us, how the world was nearly turned to dust. I can't forgive how it all still is affecting things now. I watched my family die, I helped it happen, how could I forgive that? But I can understand why you did everything. I can try to understand where you were coming from, and I can understand why you can't truly apologize. I can't forgive what you did, but I  _can_ forgive you."

The kid didn't get the same benefit of resetting that you did. They only shared a small part of their soul, they might as well have not lost any LOVE at all. They've been incredibly detached, even since the barrier broke. But, they were acknowledging what happened to you. They seemed to care what it did to you. They seemed to care, even if only a little. 

This was still a huge step for them, and you were glad.


End file.
